I think I knee'd to update!

This is probably going to be really boring, because I'm probably going to be writing some of the details that I'd like to remember later. So, if you want the cliff notes version...things are going relatively good!

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I had surgery, and I'm feeling a little better every day. The surgery apparently went well. They did a PCL reconstruction and saw that my medial meniscus was partially torn as well, so they trimmed that up. They did not have to do anything with the PLC (Posteror Lateral Corner), which saved me from having another huge scar and an even longer, harder recovery, so I was really happy about that. We got to the surgery center around 9:30am. The surgery center was amazing. The room where they prepped me for surgery was on the 15th floor and had an awesome view of Rice and Hermann Park. What a great way to distract you from all the pre-surgery worrying! The surgery itself lasted about three hours, which apparently is fairly long from what my surgeon said. It took me quite awhile to wake up, because they had given me phenergan (YAY!) so that I wouldn't wake up nauseous. I sort of remember getting in and out of my dad's suburban on the way home. I think we finally got home around 7:30pm. The only other thing I remember about that night was that I scarfed down two slices of pizza, because I was starving! The next few days are sort of a blur.

Aside from the pain, last week was actually pretty enjoyable. I LOVED hanging out with my mom all day. She spoiled me rotten. Actually, she spoiled all of us rotten. I thought K was going to throw himself on top of her car and beg her not to leave on Saturday morning when she left. She cooked wonderful meals, and even cooked several extra meals before she left and froze them to make things easier for us for the next few weeks. She organized Ryann's room, and made the cutest curtain for Ryann's closet. She took a white sheet and then sponge painted purple flowers with lime green stems on them, because those are the colors that Ryann's room is painted. We had taken the doors off of her closet months ago, so that we could put her dresser in her closet. She also made a curtain for our kitchen/breakfast nook window (out of dish towels...which sounds strange...but was SO adorable!). They turned out great. I'll have to take pictures and post them, because they both turned out really cute. She taxied me around and did all of my laundry and organized my pantry and was her usual Superwoman self. I can't tell you how much I love, respect and appreciate her. I would've been lost without her last week. I just can't imagine a better mom or better person in the world, and if I turn out to be half the woman/wife/mother she is, then I will consider my life a huge success.

Okay, back to the knee...I went to physical therapy twice last week and it was torture. I felt like such a wimp. I cried both times from all the pain. They've cut it down to once a week, but I still have to do the exercises at home every day. I went back to physical therapy yesterday and it went SO MUCH BETTER! I didn't cry once, so that's progress. They had been trying to get my quad to fire, and it just wasn't happening last week, but yesterday it was doing so much better. They hook me up to this muscle stimulation machine that shocks the hell out of me and they leave it on for 15 minutes. It shocks you for 10 seconds and then goes off for 10 seconds. While it is shocking me, I'm supposed to be doing a quad set, which is basically like trying to flex your quad. Last week, when they couldn't get my quad to fire, they kept turning it up higher until I was in tears. The only other real exercise I can do right now are straight leg raises. My first day of PT, I couldn't do them at all. My leg felt like it weighed 100 pounds and I couldn't lift it at all. Later that evening, I practiced until I could do it and was so excited when I actually did one that I ended up doing about 50. Because. I. Could. So two days later, when I went back to PT and was going to show off my accomplishment, she took my brace off to do one and the pain was unbearable. I just couldn't do them at all without my brace to keep my knee stable. (But I can now...hooray!) I've been working hard at home, trying to flex my quad and do the straight leg raises and trying to get my leg to extend fully, because I haven't been able to do that since my injury and that's one thing they really want me to work on.

I came back to work on Monday, and it's been going good. The hardest thing is that I still can't drive, so K has to drop me off. He was to be at work at 7am, so we drop Ryann off at my MIL's house and then he drops me off and I'm at work by 6:30am. So, we're waking up around 5am, which SUCKS! But hopefully, I'll be able to drive soon, and we can all sleep in a little more. Also, the bathrooms are somewhat far from my office, so it's a pain to get to them. My arms are so tired from the crutches, but I think they're getting stronger. The only other thing that is difficult is lunch. I'm spoiled to running out and getting whatever I want for lunch. Now, I'm very limited on what I can eat for lunch, because it has to be something that I can bring in my backpack, but doesn't have to be heated up (because I can't carry it from the kitchen to my office). My coworkers have been amazing, and would definitely heat things up for me, but I really don't want to impose. Plus, maybe this is a good way for me to lose weight or at least keep from gaining weight while I'm so pitifully inactive. I've been eating less for lunch. For example, one of those individual size servings of cereal (sans milk b/c I didn't have any at work) and an apple with peanut butter.

Okay, speaking of work, I better get to it. I wish I had a clever or even interesting way to wrap this up, but the truth is, that my brain is muddled from a combination of hydrocodone and waking up at 5am all week...so I've got nothing. Sorry!

Post op

Am still alive...so that's good! Surgery went well. Long, but well. I am taking lots of pain meds, but still hurting like hell, but hopefully that will ease soon. I go for my first check up tomorrow, so I should know a little more then. Am still terribly groggy, but will update when I'm able! I'm pissed that I'm not coherent enough to check out all of the blogs I love, but hope to catch up soon!

My mom is a Godsend! K has been really helpful, and so has Ryann. I have never felt so helpless. Not fun!

Issues and new shoes!

I've been trying to write this post for a week. I keep starting or meaning to start, but I keep getting overwhelmed. Overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed. It's the story of my life, really. I get overwhelmed...and freeze! I do nothing. I feel ridiculously guilty for not doing what I know I should be doing, but I can't seem to make myself just.do.it! I stick my head in the sand and hope it goes away. My life is going to live itself without any effort from me. This post is going to miraculously write itself. Because I have a lot to say.

My grandmother is an immigrant from England, and she's a very interesting lady. She lives in San Antonio and has the coolest accent evah! She line dances and walks her dog over a mile every.single.day. She has a busier social life than I've had since...since...I don't even know when. She hasn't had an easy life. She and my grandfather divorced long before I was born, and I never met him. My father was the oldest of two boys and my uncle died in a plane crash when I was very young. She's strong and smart and I'm honored to know her, much less be related to her. She's the only grandparent of mine that is still alive and I don't see her near enough. Anyway, I think I mentioned in passing in another post that we're broke. We've been having some major financial issues. Last weekend, I received a check (or cheque, as she would write) from her for $5000. I was speechless, and that doesn't happen often. Her thinking is that she'd rather give me money now while she's still alive and I need it. I'm putting a big chunk of it into a savings account and saving it for future rainy days, but some of it is going to help with the rainy days I'm going through now. It's such a relief to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the coinsurance for my surgery, etc... I feel so blessed to have such an amazing family who is always ready and willing to lend a hand and I feel so undeserving of all they do for me. Also? I'm in awe of how things seem to work out. I guess that's why (though you might not be able to tell it from this blog and all the venting I do) I'm such an optimist. Anyway...I'm blessed!

So last week when I started to write a post, my marriage seemed to be in fairly good shape. Today, I don't know how the hell it seems. K had been sleeping back in our bedroom for awhile and we seemed to be getting along. He went out of town on business this weekend, and we got into an argument while he was gone and he slept in the guest room last night. I don't know what he's going to do when my mom is here and he can't sleep in the guest bedroom . We're cordial and talking today, but I don't know how things stand. I can't put too much mental energy into it at the moment, because I'm too busy obsessing over my upcoming knee surgery. Obsessing and planning, but mostly obsessing because planning? Not my strong suit people! Well, that's not exactly true...I'm pretty good at planning, it's following through that is a bitch for me.

Aaaannnnyyyyywwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyy, surgery is this Friday. My parents will be here Thursday night. My mom is staying about a week, but my dad is only staying a day or two and then going to see his very awesome mom. I'm not really nervous about the actual surgery. I feel very confident in my surgeon (only partially b/c I've seen him so much on tv while watching Texans games the past few weeks and I figure if he's good enough for their knees...by golly...he's good enough for mine). I'm more worried about the pain afterwards. Right now, I'm not hurting all the time and when I am hurting, it's more achy than sharp, unbearable type pain. But I expect it to hurt like hell afterwards. And hello? Do you watch Brothers and Sisters b/c Justin's knee is hurt, too and he's really in a whole lotta pain? But he's not taking pain pills (and I will be)...so that's encouraging. I'm also REALLY worried about the logistics afterwards. I'm not really worried about the first week, because my mom is going to be here. But after that? Especially if K and I are not on good terms? I'm not looking forward to that. I think I am going to get Ryann's hair put in cornrows, so it's one less thing to worry about and maybe I'll get a maid to come every other week or every week, so that K doesn't go completely insane and the house doesn't get even MORE junkie! I'm worried about when I'm going to be able to drive and how I'm going to be on crutches for so long when it hurt my hands so badly to be on them for a week or two.

I'm worried and if there are two things I know well and am good at...it's worry and guilt. I'm overflowing with both at the moment. Oh and I'm overwhelmed...because there's a lot to do before my surgery and my surgery is Friday and that's what? 3 1/2 days away? Ohmygosh...am panicking! I'll probably go make a list (or go watch the end of the Cowboys game? Oh or maybe watch the Bachelor b/c I'm dvring it right now and he's going to switch w/his twin and that sounds entertaining), even though what I REALLY need to do is finish cleaning the guest bedroom. Because I did start it (OVER.A.WEEK.AGO!) and there's really not TOO much left to do, but I just can't seem to finish. I also need to clean the fridge out and organize the pantry, because I don't want my mom to work too much and she will...because she rocks...but I want to make it as easy as possible on her and on K. It's a good thing I work well under pressure, but boy, do I feel like I'm cutting it close and am not going to have time to do everything I want/need to do. Because I also want to get my eyebrows waxed and buy new Crocs before surgery and it would be a huge bonus if I had time to go to the mall and get some MAC makeup b/c my asshole...I mean, really sweet dog, Trixie, ate my lipstick and lip pencil and I'm out of powder. Ohmygosh and a haircut would be divine, but I don't see it happening!

Clearly...I have issues! (But I also have three new pairs of really awesome, really comfortable shoes from Target and that makes me happy!) So take that, issues!!

Wendy Whiner

So looking back on last Wednesday, I can see the humor in mishap after mishap after mishap. I can see that series of unfortunate events in a sitcom or something, because days like that don't really happen, do they? I like to think of it as my personal experiment with Murphy's Law. Murphy won! I bow to your law Murphy, now would you leave me alone and hook up with some karma law and go pick on Michael Vick or someone?

If I'm totally honest, I have to say that I feel like a big fat whiner ever since I hurt my knee. I know my husband is sick of hearing about it, and even more sick of having to do everything. Then, right when my knee started to feel well enough to actually contribute to the household, I get sick. I'm getting better, I think. Yesterday the nausea was overwhelming all day. Today I've thrown up once, but I don't feel constantly nauseous, so that's good! I still have a terrible cough, which is making my chest feel really sore. See? I feel like I'm whining again! And maybe I am? I'm ashamed of myself, because I know it could be worse. I know that I'm blessed.

I don't know if I talked about this before, but after I hurt my knee and was in the ER, I was a wreck. I was in excruciating pain and was exceedingly whiny. I was like this for hours. Until they wheeled a little boy, who was maybe five or six, into the ER who had been in a car wreck. He was awake and hooked up to all kinds of medical devices and screaming and crying that he needed to go the restroom. He broke my heart. I had long since stopped crying about my knee, but couldn't seem to stop crying for this tough little guy. It was sobering. K told me later that night after we got home, that he noticed how quiet I got once the little boy came into the ER. I wasn't really aware of how much seeing the little boy changed my perspective of my own injury, until it was pointed out to me. I've thought about the little boy many times since, and pray that he's fine.

Anyway, while we're on the subject of whining, let me give you the latest and greatest about my gimpy knee!! I went to my new doctor yesterday (who is FANTASTIC!!!!) and the good news is that he thinks my acl is fine. The bad news is that my pcl (posterior cruciate ligament) is completely torn (probably cleanly from the bone) and that my plc (posterolateral corner) is probably also torn. I'm having surgery on October 12th (tentatively) to reconstruct them both. The pcl can be done arthroscopically, but they actually have to cut me open a little more to repair that plc. Wow...that sounds much more gross when I write it. I was just fine hearing it. Basically, what that means to me is that I'll probably have some really cool scars. They're going to be reconstructing my knee with allograft, which is donor tissue from a cadaver, so that's sort of interesting. More bad news is that after the surgery, I'll be in a brace that locks my knee at full extension for six weeks. That's going to SUCK! I'm not looking forward to crutches. Besides the pain, one of the hardest things for me has been being able to adjust the way I sit. Before, I spent a great deal of time sitting with my left leg folded beneath me. It doesn't bend that way anymore, and won't be able to for several months probably, so that's no fun.

Anyway, ENOUGH whining for one day. I am feeling great that I actually know what is wrong and we have a plan and I have a surgeon who I'm completely confident in, etc... Also? My mommy is going to come help take care of me the week after I have surgery, so how could I NOT be excited about that? She's the best! K is really great and caring, but it will be great to have my mom here. Ryann is REALLY excited about that!

Jessica and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

This is what my Wednesday looked like:

1:30am - Decide to go to bed. Get up to take the dogs out for a last chance to potty and TOTALLY forget my knee is hurt. When Trixie jumps off the couch, I dive to get her, rendering me unable to move for ten minutes.

6:00am - Wake up to get ready for a day that promises to be really busy at work and am greeted by Ryann, who has a wicked fever, sore throat, headache and is throwing up.

7:00am-1:00pm - Take care of Ryann and formulate a plan that includes going by Ryann's school to pick up a paper she needs for an assignment that is due the following day, pick up my mri's and x-ray's from my dr to take to my new dr, swing by my job to send a time sensitive email and get some work to bring home with me and take Ryann to the doctor. If all of the stars are aligned correctly and time permits, I will then go to physical therapy.

1:20pm - Go to Ryann's school to pick up paper. After being ignored in the office for five minutes, the fire alarm goes off. That's right folks...fire drill!! Grrrreeeaaattt!! So we go sit outside and wait for that to end, and when it's all over, we are on our way upstairs to get the paper when we discover that the elevator isn't working. So I (slowly and painfully) take the stairs. We finally leave.

2:00pm - After leaving Ryann's school, she decides she would like a drink, so we head to Sonic. We're at the stop light and traffic starts moving, so I start moving, but look down to fix the velcro on my knee brace and run right in to the very kind man in the truck in front of me. His truck is not damaged at all, thank GOODNESS! My car is...but it looks mostly cosmetic. I think the poor man felt sorry for me hobbling out of my car in a freaking knee brace with tears streaming down my face. We finally get to Sonic, where they mess up my order and give me a small lime coke (so it's not THAT big of a deal, but I was really thirsty and it fits the theme of the day).

2:30pm - We arrive at my orthopedic surgeon's office where Ryann promptly pukes in the middle of the waiting room, which sucked, but wasn't near as bad as it could've been because they were REALLY cool about it and she felt a little better afterwards. Then I'm told that they are unable to locate my x-ray cd. I ask her to look again as I am positive that I gave it to them. I clean up puke with another really nice lady that works for them while the receptionist looks. She finds it, and we head off to our next adventure.

2:50pm - On the way to Ryann's doctor's office, a warning light comes on in my car. I stop to see what it is (coolant) and the light goes off, so I get back on the road.

3:15pm - We arrive for Ryann's 3:30pm appointment, and have to wait until 4:30pm to get back to see the doctor. Ryann is feeling miserable at this point, and the doctor is convinced that she has strep throat. She tests her and she does not, so she tests her again and checks her white blood cell count. The white blood cell count is indicative of strep, but the tests come back negative again. Ryann gets a suppository to get her fever under control. The doctor does not know what is wrong with her, but it could be viral. I am to give her something for the fever and not force her to eat. I am also to call if she doesn't feel much better on Thursday.

6:00pm - Because we took so long at our other stops, I figured I would swing by my job on the way home. Only Ryann was feeling horrible, the clouds looked threatening and the radio was talking about the imminent tropical storm, so I decided to skip it and head home, where I dropped Ryann off and ran to Walgreen's to pick up a few sicko necessities.

7:00pm - Go home and collapse in my husband's arms. My husband is upset with me (I can't remember why, but it probably has something to do with either the house being messy even though I was home all day or the dogs. It's usually a safe bet that it's one of those two things.) My husband humors me and holds me, even though he was not liking me very much at the moment. I spent the rest of the evening stressing about money and sick leave and surgery and the list goes on and on... Thursday could not come soon enough.

And now for a knee update:

It hurts. like. hell. It seemed to be hurting less and less until I tweaked it Wednesday morning. Apparently, I tore both my acl AND pcl, because I'm talented like that. I have to have surgery, but it's unclear whether I need them both repaired or just the acl. My surgeon doesn't do pcl repair, so he's sent me to another orthopedic surgeon, who is supposed to be awesome! I go see him on Monday, so I'm excited to get a plan of action. I've been going to physical therapy for three times a week and just started aquatic therapy today. I enjoy it for the most part, I really loved the aquatic exercises. I'm off of crutches for the moment, but still in a knee brace for the most part. I can walk around at home and for short distances without it, which is soooo nice! It was really sucking to have to put it on in the middle of the night when I needed to use the restroom.

Anyway, I was reaaaaaaaalllllllly glad to see the weekend, even though I haven't really worked, except for 3 hours today, since Tuesday. I'm so glad that Ryann is feeling better today. I hate it when she's sick. I think she gave me whatever she had, because my throat is killing me and I threw up at work today. I hope everyone else's week was infinitely better than mine.

Calgon...take me away

Have you ever had one of those days? Those days where you just want to crawl back into bed and stay there. Calgon, take me away days! THOSE days! That was today. Which sucks, because today was Ryann's first day of 4th grade. I woked up and puked and my knee hurt really badly. We were later getting to the school than I would've liked, so it was a madhouse. The teacher that Ry was supposed to have was moved up to the 5th grade, so she got a different teacher. Her teacher from last year stopped me in the hall to make sure that she was in a different teacher's classroom. Ry's classroom is on the second floor. We waited for the elevator for a few minutes and then Seem and Ry took the stairs. I finally gave up waiting for the elevator, and by the time I made it up the stairs, she was already in her classroom. I was sweaty, hurting and worst of all, didn't get a chance to wish her a good first day. It sucked!

After that, K drove me to my car, and I broke down and started crying as I got out of his car. I just feel so emotional and tired and helpless and guilty and my knee hurts. I feel like such a baby, but there it is. I needed to cry. I didn't get to cry long, because I needed to go fill out some forms for Ry's after school daycare. I've been on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. I'm just one hallmark card or sappy commercial away from a complete breakdown. Oh look...there's a Weight Watchers commercial on, which reminds me how fat I am and how much weight I need to lose and how I can't really work out very hard because my clumsy ass fell and messed up my knee. Here come the tears!

Honestly, I feel like I've done nothing but bitch and moan since I hurt my knee. I don't like me like this. I'm trying to suck it up and look on the bright side. So here are some good things and bad things going on with my knee.

Good things
*I can walk without crutches sometimes...YAY!
*The swelling has gone way down and I no longer have a cankle on my left leg...YAY!
*I can drive...YAY!
*I have a temporary disabled tag at my job, so I don't have to walk far to get to my office...YAY!
*I went to my 2nd physical therapy session today and have already improved enough to make a full rotation on the exercise bike...YAY! (I was so excited that the therapists were laughing at me!)
*I'm generally not in TOO much pain (unless I overdo it or move it the wrong way!) Thank you hydrocodone!!
*My husband is taking great care of me!

Bad things
*I tore my PCL.
*It HURTS!
*I have to wear a bulky knee brace.
*Said knee brace likes to slip down and I keep having to stop and pull it up.
*My injured walk looks more like a waddle. It sad, really!
*I'm constantly tired.

*I didn't get a chance to go down to the river and enjoy the water last weekend at our "family gathering" because it was rocking and rough on the way down.

I'm sure I'll talk more about it later, but I'd liked to end today by saying what an awful mom I am. Ryann went to school today with almost no school supplies. I just hadn't had a chance (or the mobility to go pick out things. We did go earlier this evening and picked up almost everything they need. They don't really go by the district list of supplies, so I hate to buy anthing til after the first day.

I fell asleep for about 20 minutes after typing that last paragraph, so I'm going to sign off and call it a day. But later this week, I'll have to tell you about the fantastic weekend I spent hanging out with my family.

I've fallen and I can't get up!

I picked my friend up from the airport Thursday night, and we stayed up until almost 4am giggling like schoolgirls. It was fantastic, and good for my soul. I was off Friday, so we spent the morning picking up her new car and chatting over coffee at Starbuck's. Our afternoon plan was to go check out some office space, as she is considering opening her own criminal law firm. We crossed the street to enter the office complex for her first appointment, and I tripped over the curb (which was broken and jagged). As I fell to the cement, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. I could see my lower leg hyperextended to an unnatural position and flop around like a wet noodle on the way down. We were on a very busy street and I landed half on the curb and half on the street. I was panicked and trying to drag myself out of the street so that I could avoid being run over. Dragging myself over was no easy task, since I couldn't move my leg. It was numb and tingly, and when I tried to move it, I could see my kneecap cave in. I had my friend call my husband to come and take me to the hospital.

While we waited for K to get there, the owner of the building (who my friend had the appointment with) drove out of the parking garage and yelled that we couldn't sit on the sidewalk in front of the building. I thought that it was fairly obvious that we weren't just having a leisurely rest, since my pants leg was pulled up to mid thigh and I was crying, but apparently not. My friend explained that I had fallen and couldn't move and was waiting on an ambulance or my husband. I don't remember what he said next, but whatever it was must've really pissed my friend off because she started yelling at him about how I'd fallen because his sidewalk was messed up. He started to drive off, and she yelled that she appreciated his concern, since he never once asked if I was okay. So he turned back around, and asked if he could call an ambulance. But even then, he never asked if I was okay.

So K finally came and picked me up, helped me into the car and drove me to the emergency room. After waiting for what seemed like forever, I was able to go in and have x-rays taken. I suspect that the x-ray technician enjoyed torturing me. Everyone else at the hospital was incredible and gentle. I tried to explain to her that I could. not. move. my. knee, but she pretty much told me to do it anyway. It hurt so bad that I was sobbing while I attempted to get onto the x-ray table and turn different ways so she could get a good look at my knee. I know it's necessary and it's her job, but my gosh, it hurt! The good news is that it's not broken and that I've been high as a kite from my pain meds since I left the hospital. The bad news is that I'm on crutches and in a knee immobolizer, and I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon because the chances are good that I've torn something and will have to have surgery to have it fixed.

The pain meds are keeping me asleep most of the time, but right now, they don't seem to be helping because I'm in a great deal of pain. I really need a bath, and I'm trying to figure out the logistics of making that happen. K usually does a great job of taking care of me when I am sick, but he was gone all morning yesterday and several hours this morning. His cousin is here and they went out to dinner with all of my inlaws last night, and they are at my mother-in-law's house right now. I know I'm being a big baby, but I feel completely helpless and abandoned. And? My knee hurts like a MF! But I'll live. Plus, I keep calling my mom, who is giving me lots of sympathy.