Sleeping with Sock Monkeys...I'm Cheap!

I love Target, probably in a way that is not entirely healthy. Ryann and I now have a matching pair of these adorable sock monkey pajamas and do you want to know the best part? They were on clearance for SIX BUCKS at Target! I may now have to return and stock up so that I can give a few of these out for Christmas. They are ridiculously cute and comfy. Of course, Ryann has vowed never to wear them at the same time that I'm wearing mine, but I'll catch her slipping one of these days! Bet on it!

The Eternal Optimist

I'm an optimist...a very pollyanna, glass half full, lemonade out of lemons, see the best in everybody and everything optimist. I've always seen myself that way, and the people I'm very close to would agree. So it's been sort of strange for me to read back through this blog and not see that at all. In fact, see the very opposite of that. I know this has been a place for me to vent and I suppose I've needed that, because this has been a dark couple of years for me. I'm not going to stop venting, but I'd also like to find more balance and make this blog more true to who I really am. So today I'm going to talk about five exciting and happy things that have been going on with me for the many many months I've been gone:

1. Ryann turned ten. My girl is double digits. Impossible to believe! She's such a sweet soul. We have epic mother/daughter battles, but she's smart, funny, thoughtful and beautiful inside and out and I'm so proud to be her mom. She has shot up in the past year. She is almost as tall as me!?!?! We're in the process of leaving behind shopping in the girls' section in favor of the juniors' section. She did great on all her testing this year. She scored perfect in the writing portion of her Stanford test and scored high school levels in most areas of the test.

2. K and I celebrated another anniversary at Hotel Icon. This was in the middle of some of a lot of drama, and we couldn't really decide whether or not we wanted to do anything at all for anniversary, but we did and I'm glad. We had a nice time.

3. I am really getting so much more organized and neat. I've started doing parts of the flylady system and it has made a huge difference in my house and my life. This has been something I've really struggled with my whole life. I'm messy, but it's like a light bulb went off and it's a work in progress and I have a long way to go to get it to where I want it to be, but I am decluttering and keeping the areas that I've already decluttered very clean. The biggest thing for me has been organizing. Once I figure out a place for everything, it's so much easier to keep it neat. Also, my car used to be a HUGE MESS. No more!! It stays clean and organized! I'm very proud of myself.

4. My ear surgery was a success, so I can hear out of my left ear. Hell to the yeah!! I'm very excited about this. I'm still trying to get used to it. I still always talk on the phone on the right side, but it's just out of habit. I still don't hear as well as most people do in either ear, but it is so much better than it was and I feel very blessed to have had the surgery in both ears. Without them, I would barely be able to hear at all.

5. I got a new car. Well, it's actually an suv, but I call it a car. It's a Honda CRV and I LOVE IT!! It looks like this:

Life goes on...

I've learned that even in those moments that I'm desperately trying to slam on the brakes, life (and time) doesn't stop for anybody. At this point, I'm just trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking. Okay...limping! Things aren't exactly getting back to normal, but they're getting back to something.

My relationship with K is incredibly bizarre at the moment. What he said to me the other day was said out of anger, and I understand that. While we are still sleeping in separate bedrooms, we have been visiting each other's bed the past couple of nights. It's such a strange thing. I love him so much, but neither of us are really sure that we should be together. We had a good talk last night, and I tried to explain to him that I understood his frustrations, but that I just couldn't deal with it right now. My head is barely above water, and it's not like I'm not thinking about where our marriage is headed, but I really just can. not. deal. with it right now. We've sort of fallen back into old habits. There have been many times that one or both of us really feels like it's time to let go of our relationship, and what usually happens is that we ended up clinging to each other more tightly than ever. I think that's where we're at right now. I guess therapy was a good thing, but it was ludicrous to think that three sessions were going to change this familiar circle we're in. I feel sad and unsure of what the future holds, but I do think everything will be okay, one way or another.

Okay, now for some fun stuff! My SIL took her boys and Ryann to get their pictures taken this weekend. Sort of a last minute thing, but I think they turned out really cute:

This is one taken sort of "in between" shots, but I love it:

My baby is growing up!!! =(


One of my girlfriends told me (after my Wednesday from hell) that God must have some really incredible things right around the corner for me, since I'm going through so much at the moment. It really helps me to believe that.

Jessica and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

This is what my Wednesday looked like:

1:30am - Decide to go to bed. Get up to take the dogs out for a last chance to potty and TOTALLY forget my knee is hurt. When Trixie jumps off the couch, I dive to get her, rendering me unable to move for ten minutes.

6:00am - Wake up to get ready for a day that promises to be really busy at work and am greeted by Ryann, who has a wicked fever, sore throat, headache and is throwing up.

7:00am-1:00pm - Take care of Ryann and formulate a plan that includes going by Ryann's school to pick up a paper she needs for an assignment that is due the following day, pick up my mri's and x-ray's from my dr to take to my new dr, swing by my job to send a time sensitive email and get some work to bring home with me and take Ryann to the doctor. If all of the stars are aligned correctly and time permits, I will then go to physical therapy.

1:20pm - Go to Ryann's school to pick up paper. After being ignored in the office for five minutes, the fire alarm goes off. That's right folks...fire drill!! Grrrreeeaaattt!! So we go sit outside and wait for that to end, and when it's all over, we are on our way upstairs to get the paper when we discover that the elevator isn't working. So I (slowly and painfully) take the stairs. We finally leave.

2:00pm - After leaving Ryann's school, she decides she would like a drink, so we head to Sonic. We're at the stop light and traffic starts moving, so I start moving, but look down to fix the velcro on my knee brace and run right in to the very kind man in the truck in front of me. His truck is not damaged at all, thank GOODNESS! My car is...but it looks mostly cosmetic. I think the poor man felt sorry for me hobbling out of my car in a freaking knee brace with tears streaming down my face. We finally get to Sonic, where they mess up my order and give me a small lime coke (so it's not THAT big of a deal, but I was really thirsty and it fits the theme of the day).

2:30pm - We arrive at my orthopedic surgeon's office where Ryann promptly pukes in the middle of the waiting room, which sucked, but wasn't near as bad as it could've been because they were REALLY cool about it and she felt a little better afterwards. Then I'm told that they are unable to locate my x-ray cd. I ask her to look again as I am positive that I gave it to them. I clean up puke with another really nice lady that works for them while the receptionist looks. She finds it, and we head off to our next adventure.

2:50pm - On the way to Ryann's doctor's office, a warning light comes on in my car. I stop to see what it is (coolant) and the light goes off, so I get back on the road.

3:15pm - We arrive for Ryann's 3:30pm appointment, and have to wait until 4:30pm to get back to see the doctor. Ryann is feeling miserable at this point, and the doctor is convinced that she has strep throat. She tests her and she does not, so she tests her again and checks her white blood cell count. The white blood cell count is indicative of strep, but the tests come back negative again. Ryann gets a suppository to get her fever under control. The doctor does not know what is wrong with her, but it could be viral. I am to give her something for the fever and not force her to eat. I am also to call if she doesn't feel much better on Thursday.

6:00pm - Because we took so long at our other stops, I figured I would swing by my job on the way home. Only Ryann was feeling horrible, the clouds looked threatening and the radio was talking about the imminent tropical storm, so I decided to skip it and head home, where I dropped Ryann off and ran to Walgreen's to pick up a few sicko necessities.

7:00pm - Go home and collapse in my husband's arms. My husband is upset with me (I can't remember why, but it probably has something to do with either the house being messy even though I was home all day or the dogs. It's usually a safe bet that it's one of those two things.) My husband humors me and holds me, even though he was not liking me very much at the moment. I spent the rest of the evening stressing about money and sick leave and surgery and the list goes on and on... Thursday could not come soon enough.

And now for a knee update:

It hurts. like. hell. It seemed to be hurting less and less until I tweaked it Wednesday morning. Apparently, I tore both my acl AND pcl, because I'm talented like that. I have to have surgery, but it's unclear whether I need them both repaired or just the acl. My surgeon doesn't do pcl repair, so he's sent me to another orthopedic surgeon, who is supposed to be awesome! I go see him on Monday, so I'm excited to get a plan of action. I've been going to physical therapy for three times a week and just started aquatic therapy today. I enjoy it for the most part, I really loved the aquatic exercises. I'm off of crutches for the moment, but still in a knee brace for the most part. I can walk around at home and for short distances without it, which is soooo nice! It was really sucking to have to put it on in the middle of the night when I needed to use the restroom.

Anyway, I was reaaaaaaaalllllllly glad to see the weekend, even though I haven't really worked, except for 3 hours today, since Tuesday. I'm so glad that Ryann is feeling better today. I hate it when she's sick. I think she gave me whatever she had, because my throat is killing me and I threw up at work today. I hope everyone else's week was infinitely better than mine.

Calgon...take me away

Have you ever had one of those days? Those days where you just want to crawl back into bed and stay there. Calgon, take me away days! THOSE days! That was today. Which sucks, because today was Ryann's first day of 4th grade. I woked up and puked and my knee hurt really badly. We were later getting to the school than I would've liked, so it was a madhouse. The teacher that Ry was supposed to have was moved up to the 5th grade, so she got a different teacher. Her teacher from last year stopped me in the hall to make sure that she was in a different teacher's classroom. Ry's classroom is on the second floor. We waited for the elevator for a few minutes and then Seem and Ry took the stairs. I finally gave up waiting for the elevator, and by the time I made it up the stairs, she was already in her classroom. I was sweaty, hurting and worst of all, didn't get a chance to wish her a good first day. It sucked!

After that, K drove me to my car, and I broke down and started crying as I got out of his car. I just feel so emotional and tired and helpless and guilty and my knee hurts. I feel like such a baby, but there it is. I needed to cry. I didn't get to cry long, because I needed to go fill out some forms for Ry's after school daycare. I've been on the verge of tears for the rest of the day. I'm just one hallmark card or sappy commercial away from a complete breakdown. Oh look...there's a Weight Watchers commercial on, which reminds me how fat I am and how much weight I need to lose and how I can't really work out very hard because my clumsy ass fell and messed up my knee. Here come the tears!

Honestly, I feel like I've done nothing but bitch and moan since I hurt my knee. I don't like me like this. I'm trying to suck it up and look on the bright side. So here are some good things and bad things going on with my knee.

Good things
*I can walk without crutches sometimes...YAY!
*The swelling has gone way down and I no longer have a cankle on my left leg...YAY!
*I can drive...YAY!
*I have a temporary disabled tag at my job, so I don't have to walk far to get to my office...YAY!
*I went to my 2nd physical therapy session today and have already improved enough to make a full rotation on the exercise bike...YAY! (I was so excited that the therapists were laughing at me!)
*I'm generally not in TOO much pain (unless I overdo it or move it the wrong way!) Thank you hydrocodone!!
*My husband is taking great care of me!

Bad things
*I tore my PCL.
*It HURTS!
*I have to wear a bulky knee brace.
*Said knee brace likes to slip down and I keep having to stop and pull it up.
*My injured walk looks more like a waddle. It sad, really!
*I'm constantly tired.

*I didn't get a chance to go down to the river and enjoy the water last weekend at our "family gathering" because it was rocking and rough on the way down.

I'm sure I'll talk more about it later, but I'd liked to end today by saying what an awful mom I am. Ryann went to school today with almost no school supplies. I just hadn't had a chance (or the mobility to go pick out things. We did go earlier this evening and picked up almost everything they need. They don't really go by the district list of supplies, so I hate to buy anthing til after the first day.

I fell asleep for about 20 minutes after typing that last paragraph, so I'm going to sign off and call it a day. But later this week, I'll have to tell you about the fantastic weekend I spent hanging out with my family.

How's that workin' for ya?

I'm begging for forgiveness in advance. This post is not going to be entertaining at all, not to imply that any of the rest of them have been, because in fact, they have not. Still, I felt like I should give you a proper warning. Don't worry, I'll try to find time to dazzle you with my wit later this week. Ummm...yeah. Anyway, here's some pictures, because if you're willing to sit through this, it's the least I can do:



This weekend was my nephew's first birthday party, but he doesn't turn one until tomorrow. My SIL took him for his first haircut before the party and he looks so grown now. He still looks adorable, but I miss his curls! See how cute they are?





Here's Ryann at an Astros game that we went to last week. We had a really fantastic time, even though I made her help me man a fundraiser booth for the first three innings. She and I went by ourselves, which was fun.

So I just left our second session of therapy. I'm actually feeling much more hopeful today. The first session was draining, but fine. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to go into our specific issues here, and I'm thinking that I probably will, but I'm not ready yet. I will say that I feel as though we did make some small changes after last week's session, which is good. Still, I wasn't sure that I was willing to put in the effort to fight or make myself vulnerable to hurt and disappointment by trying to make it work. But today, I'm definitely feeling more positive. Our issues are deep and complicated and if I focus on them, I know I'll want to crawl in a hole and die. Okay not literally, but you know what I mean. There's alot of water under the bridge, and some of it really has to be dealth with. But today I'm feeling like I can just let some of it drift on by, and I can just sort of start fresh. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and all that. Or maybe I'm just in denial. There is a time and place for it, you know!

Margaret and Jenny: Thank you for your encouraging words. They really helped me get through a difficult week.

Slipping back to normal

This picture was taken after my company Christmas party the Christmas before last. We spent about an hour laughing and taking pictures of ourselves after the party. We don't have many pictures of the two of us together, but there are several from that night that I really like.

Anyway, Ryann's home! YAY!!! She was supposed to be gone one more week, but she was starting to get homesick and we were more than happy to go scoop her up this weekend. It's lovely to have her home. I swear she's grown an inch and a half in the three weeks she's been gone and she's now taller than my mother-in-law.

It's sort of a blessing and a curse to have her home. It's a blessing for obvious reasons, I missed her like mad and it's fun to have her around. But it's a curse because it distracts us from dealing with our issues. K was reading a book on the drive home from picking her up and gave an ironic little laugh at a sentence he just read. It talked about how easy it is to fall back into intimacy, into the touches and hugs and conversations that make up every day life without any decisions being made. This has been a problem for us. It's our pattern. None of these issues we have are new, they're issues we've been facing (avoiding) all along. We're stuck in this loop, and nothing scares me more than falling right back into the loop without dealing with these demons. It's so comfortable to fall right back into intimacy, but I think we're both acutely aware of that fork in the road I talked about last time.

We start counseling tomorrow. I'm nervous. I'm really happy that Ryann is home to distract me.

Talk to my lawyer!

So Ryann is gone for the month. We took her to my brother's house this weekend, and spent a lovely weekend lounging poolside and visiting with them and admiring my adorable nephews. My arms and chest are pink and scaly proof, thank you very much. My girl, she is adapting well to the high life. She's being taxied around in an Escalade and partying EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. as she told me as we chatted on the phone Wednesday while she was between social engagements. Monday was Gattitown, Tuesday was Chuck E Cheese and Wednesday they hosted a 4th of July party where they were going to do really fun things, like arts and crafts, and all of the neighborhood kids were invited. My parents are going to pick her up this weekend along with my nephew and my cousin and take them to the beach, where I'm quite sure a good time will be had by all. My nephew is quite the little lawyer. He is a master negotiater, that child. It's fascinating to watch him negotiate how many bites of food he has to eat for each meal. When my parents asked if he'd like to come along on the beach trip, he told them he had to give it some thought. After thinking it over, he told his mother that he needed to ask Opa some questions. He called my father and very solemnly asked some very critical things, like...Will there be a playstation? Apparently, he was satisfied with the reponses, and has decided to join them. Hooray! I'm quite jealous! Not only was I in bed on the 4th of July with a nasty stomach virus, but I have to miss out on this adventure that my brave brave parents are about to embark upon. Oh well, while they are partying like rockstars, I'm going to be enjoying my closet addiction of Big Brother guilt free! What a treat!

P.S. If you haven't gone to see Transformers yet, do so immediately. No really, I'll go with you if you want! I could see it again and again. I like it THAT much, and I reaaaaaaaaally wasn't expecting to.

Happy Father's Day!

K is in Las Vegas for two weeks for business, so we haven't been able to celebrate Father's day yet. Ryann sent him a lovely powerpoint presentation instead of a card. It had several pages of famous athletes and the last page said, "Vince Young is great....but you're my MVP!" K is sort of nerdy (in that totally sexy way), so naturally, he loved it. Ryann is a tomboy, so this was right up her alley and she had a blast putting it together. She's in a day camp this month, and apparently she learned how to do powerpoint last week (which is sort of bizarre as the theme for last week was baseball, but whatever!) K is an awesome dad, and I know Ryann was very disappointed that he wasn't going to be here today to celebrate. So instead, she and I had a reeeeaaaalllllly lazy Sunday. We'll celebrate when he gets back.

It takes a village

The x-rays were normal. I'm cautiously optimistic. She's still having some pain in her back, but she's no longer in tears. That's got to be a good sign. She had decided at one point this week that she would prefer to have a different mother...preferrably one who would say, "To hell with doctor's orders, swim your little heart out, Princess. Don't forget to eat lots of candy, drink lots of coke, never brush your teeth and stay up all night watching cartoons or the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." She backed off on that sentiment, but only after she had sufficiently twisted the knife in my heart.

Isn't nine a little early to be doing the whole teen angst thing? It's scary to think of what might lie ahead in her teenage years. For me, the idea of her growing up in Houston (or any big city) scares the hell out of me. It just seems like there are so many bad things to get into. I know that she'll think we are strict and we'll try to balance that fine line of giving her enough space to grow without giving her enough rope to hang herself with. I grew up in a tiny town of 1200 people. I tell people that I graduated 3rd in my class, but I usually don't tell them that there were only 30 of us (although in fairness, the parents of the two girls who graduated ahead of me did alot of their projects for them. You don't read my blog, but if you ever do...you know who you are, and you know it's true. I love you anyway! I also love my parents for making me so independent, but I was totally robbed!)

Anyway, my point was that I know how much mischief we got into growing up, and it was plenty. It seems like there are just so many more opportunities to mess up in a large city. I read about all of these scary things going on with kids in and out of school here, and it's just so outside the realm of my experience that I get overwhelmed thinking about it. I loved growing up in a small town. Everyone knows everyone and everyone looks out for everyone. You may have to endure vicious gossip, but you'll also never walk down the street without several cars asking if you need a ride. I love going back and seeing how all of the drivers wave to every. single. car. that passes. It's charming. When I was growing up there, I always fancied myself a big city girl trapped in the country. My, how things have changed! Even I can appreciate the irony.

I do love the city. I love having more choices than just Dairy Queen when I want to eat out. I love the diversity of Houston. I love Target and I love being an hour away from the beach (even if it is ONLY Galveston). But sometimes? I would love to pack Ryann up and raise her in my hometown. Things just seem simpler there. The biggest scandal at the school is that the cheerleading routine is a little too raunchy for the bible belt. All and all, it's a fun place to be a kid. You can play outside without worrying about strangers. There are no strangers. Ryann really loves it there. She'll be spending July with my parents and she'll be able to drive the golf cart around our dead end street and go play in the field behind the house. It's just a great place to grow up. Also? I really miss Allsup's burritos.

Sick and tired

I just realized that the ending of my last post on how much I love my daughter despite all her quirks is eerily similar to the one I posted about our Wirehair Fox Terrier, Trixie. What a horrible mother I am! I knew it felt familiar.

Anyway, to add on to my last post on some of the things I love about my daughter...she doesn't do things halfway! She's an all or nothing kinda gal. Typically, she's healthy as a horse (knocking on wood right now...no really, I am). She's also tough as nails. I always know when she is really hurt or sick, because she's not one to whine and moan unless she's in serious pain. In fact, when she was almost two, she tripped and fell down on concrete. It busted her lip and knocked one of her front teeth almost completely out. We had to go directly to the dentist who pulled the tooth. She didn't cry once. The dentist was so amazed at how good she was that not only did he not charge us, but the ladies in the front office gave her a little wooden dog that they had in the office for decoration. I take a lot of pride in her being such a tough cookie. I may have failed her at every other lesson, but by golly, I did do something right. As a toddler, when she fell or ran into something, she would look for me to gauge my reaction and go from there. If I wasn't making a fuss or spazzing out, then generally she would dust herself off and go on. So I perfected my nonreaction (which incidentally, went against all of my instincts at first) and I've never had to guess at whether or not she's really hurt or sick. Don't get me wrong, she's full of drama in other areas, but not this one.

Back to our current situation... Last week, she was complaining about back pain. Apparently, she was playing touch football at camp and got tackled by a boy who was two years older. She landed on her back, and it had been bothering her ever since. Friday evening, she also started complaining about an earache for the first time in her life. (I guess she's done pretty well to get to 9 years old without an ear infection). So when she woke up Saturday morning and was in tears because of her back and ear, I immediately called the doctor who told us to bring her right in. (How convenient that her doctor's office is open on Saturday morning!) So it turns out that she has strep throat (what? She hasn't even complained about her throat), swimmer's ear and we're still not sure what's going on with the back. He prescribed a muscle relaxer, which doesn't seem to help the pain, but does knock her out. I'm trying not to give it to her too often, because she's taking so many other medications (antibiotics for strep throat, 2 adult motrin around the clock, ear drops). He sent us in to have her back x-rayed this morning, so we'll see how that turns out. If the pain is not gone by Wednesday or Thursday, he'd like to do an MRI. Bless her heart! She can't swim this week at camp, can't roughhouse with Daddy, can't do anything too strenuous at camp. She's a trooper, my girl! And apparently? She's decided to pack a year's worth of illness and injury into one week.

ETA: It looks as if we will be returning for MORE x-rays tomorrow. My daughter will be thrilled. Apparently, the x-rays were of the lumbar spine and the thoracic sp? spine is what he needed to see. Lovely!

My Mad Potter

I haven't an artistic bone in my body. But I thought it would be fun to spend some quality time with my daughter, so we spent Friday afternoon at The Mad Potter. Ry painted Patrick from Spongebob and I painted a birthday plate. We had such a great time that I think it is going to be a "thing" for us. Ry is such a daddy's girl, so it's fun to find things that she and I can do together. Sometimes the ache of secondary infertility is so overwhelming and painful to me that I forget to thank God for all of the blessings I already have. At the very top of that list would be my daughter. I feel so honored to mother such a beautiful, intelligent and articulate young lady. Sure she's a tomboy. Sure she's only nine and already has the whole tween angst vibe going on. Sure she's a bear in the morning. But all in all? She's amazing! She's just such a cool little person and I'm not saying that only because she's mine. When she earned $75 for good grades, she spent ALL of it on gifts for relatives. She loves animals, is exceptionally good with babies and small children. She's thoughtful and witty and a firecracker. When she felt that her 3 year old cousin was being favored and getting a lot more attention than she was, she wrote her dad a note that said, "Sometimes I feel like I'm a couch and he's a tv. Everyone sits on me and watches him." For a nine year old? That's deep! I have to love her, because she's my daughter. And I do love her fiercly. But to like her, too? It just doesn't get any better than that!

Finnegan Begin Again

This is my gorgeous daughter on Awards Day. She won every conceivable (maybe not the best choice of words for a blog dealing with infertility) award EXCEPT for the conduct award. That's my girl! As a third grader, she scored post high school for language and 12th grade for spelling and overall at an 8th grade level. But to behave properly? That's just asking too much!

So my imaginary blog readers, you may or may not have noticed that I've been away? What's that? You've missed me? And I've missed you...wait a second...let go of my leg!!! (Shut up! This is my blog and if I want to pretend to have loyal if slightly stalkerish readers (or any readers at all, for that matter), then you can just let me have my moment!) Wow...that was really poor punctuation, wasn't it? So I don't know what happened. Maybe it was sharing the dirty little truth about my past and admitting that sometimes I feel insanely guilty for wanting another child, even though the one I have is as close to perfect as they come? Maybe it was the fact that there really hasn't been much to share on the infertility front in the past year as I've tried desparately to completely block it from my mind. I started a new job, and my new insurance just kicked in last month, so I haven't even been to the doctor or taken my glucophage in a long, long while. But now? I have baby fever again. Not that it ever really left. It didn't, as hard as I tried to block it out. My insurance still doesn't cover IVF. K's open enrollment is in November. My plan is to get on glucophage, get healthy and prepare as much as possible for IVF while I wait for November to roll around.

So it's great to be back! I'm really going to try to blog more, not only about infertility, but life in general. Because honestly? There's only so much you need to know about my va-jay-jay!

When the shoe is on the other foot...

So my coworker had her baby yesterday. I almost went to the hospital tonight to see her, but I decided against it for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I spent so much time at the same hospital last week w/my SIL and her new baby that the staff might suspect me of trying to steal a baby were I to be there AGAIN this week. Another reason is that I'm a little resentful of this pregnancy. Let me tell you why. Because I'm horrible and judgemental and that's why. Here's the backstory. My coworker was married with two little girls. Her husband was a really great guy. In addition to working full time, my coworker was in school getting a Master's degree. She meets a guy in school, decides to leave her husband and kids and moves into an apartment with the guy. She's basically supporting this guy, he doesn't have a car or a job. She's barely spending any time with the two kids that she does have. So she and new guy decide to try to have a baby. Mind you this is a month or two after leaving her husband, she hadn't even filed for divorce yet. So the first month, nothing. But the second month...BAM...knocked up! Now she's someone I consider a friend...she knew that during this whole time period I had been trying to get pregnant. I had also given her my wise as an owl assvice about maybe she should wait a bit to make any huge decisions. Something along the lines of, if you want to leave your husband, fine, but be on your own for five minutes before moving in with someone else. So anyway, fast forward to a month or two ago and she tells me that she left the new guy, and was apartment hunting. I find out today that she had the baby last night, she's doing great, registered anonymously so new guy couldn't find her and we're having a little get together for her next week at her apartment. Maybe it's stupid and petty, and I'm a real jerk, but it's a tough pill to swallow. Oh and another reason I didn't go is b/c I have the whole house to myself and I really felt like staying home and being lazy.

Here's the thing...once upon a time...I was "that girl!" Well not THAT girl, but someone that I certainly might resent at this point in my life. I was 21 and had been dating this loser for over a year. Long story short, I got pregnant and we broke up the second I told him I was pregnant. He demanded I have an abortion and I wouldn't. REALLY long story short, and maybe one day I'll tell the long story b/c it's so crucial to who I am now, I end up in a maternity home. It really changed my life. I got myself together, moved into an apartment after my daughter was born. I worked part time and went back to college full-time and met K when my daughter was two and now we are living happily ever after. I often forget that my daughter is not biologically my husband's, and I refer to the loser as the sperm donor. Daughter has never met loser (by his choice then), and it's turned out for the best. She's a total daddy's girl and K is such an amazing dad. She was the first grandchild in both of our families and she is super spoiled. When I was in labor with my daughter, I spent the night at the hospital by myself. I told my parents not to come until the morning because it was late and the doctor felt like nothing would happen until the next day anyway. My houseparents from the maternity home, which I affectionately dubbed "The Orphanage" went home to sleep. I remember feeling really sorry for myself and thinking of how this is definitely not how it's supposed to be...all alone in a hospital with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company. All in all, I was in labor for 26 hours. The hours I spent alone that night were the loneliest of my life.

Well that's not even close to being the full story, but you get the gist of it anyway. My point is...I wonder who came across my path and knew my story back that were hurt and resentful by my situation.