The Eternal Optimist

I'm an optimist...a very pollyanna, glass half full, lemonade out of lemons, see the best in everybody and everything optimist. I've always seen myself that way, and the people I'm very close to would agree. So it's been sort of strange for me to read back through this blog and not see that at all. In fact, see the very opposite of that. I know this has been a place for me to vent and I suppose I've needed that, because this has been a dark couple of years for me. I'm not going to stop venting, but I'd also like to find more balance and make this blog more true to who I really am. So today I'm going to talk about five exciting and happy things that have been going on with me for the many many months I've been gone:

1. Ryann turned ten. My girl is double digits. Impossible to believe! She's such a sweet soul. We have epic mother/daughter battles, but she's smart, funny, thoughtful and beautiful inside and out and I'm so proud to be her mom. She has shot up in the past year. She is almost as tall as me!?!?! We're in the process of leaving behind shopping in the girls' section in favor of the juniors' section. She did great on all her testing this year. She scored perfect in the writing portion of her Stanford test and scored high school levels in most areas of the test.

2. K and I celebrated another anniversary at Hotel Icon. This was in the middle of some of a lot of drama, and we couldn't really decide whether or not we wanted to do anything at all for anniversary, but we did and I'm glad. We had a nice time.

3. I am really getting so much more organized and neat. I've started doing parts of the flylady system and it has made a huge difference in my house and my life. This has been something I've really struggled with my whole life. I'm messy, but it's like a light bulb went off and it's a work in progress and I have a long way to go to get it to where I want it to be, but I am decluttering and keeping the areas that I've already decluttered very clean. The biggest thing for me has been organizing. Once I figure out a place for everything, it's so much easier to keep it neat. Also, my car used to be a HUGE MESS. No more!! It stays clean and organized! I'm very proud of myself.

4. My ear surgery was a success, so I can hear out of my left ear. Hell to the yeah!! I'm very excited about this. I'm still trying to get used to it. I still always talk on the phone on the right side, but it's just out of habit. I still don't hear as well as most people do in either ear, but it is so much better than it was and I feel very blessed to have had the surgery in both ears. Without them, I would barely be able to hear at all.

5. I got a new car. Well, it's actually an suv, but I call it a car. It's a Honda CRV and I LOVE IT!! It looks like this:

Violated

Wow...so yeah, it's uh...been awhile. Which is strange, because if ever there was a time in my life where there was a plethora of blogging material, it has been these last months. So let's catch you up, where were we last? Ah yes...knee surgery. So after the knee surgery, I was on crutches for too freaking long and going to physical therapy and just pretty pathetic, actually. Then, in December, I had ear surgery. After surgery, my ear got infected and I got really sick. That sucked. So then at the end of March, my marriage hits a speed bump. Well, not a speed bump as much as an iceberg or a mountain or something way bigger than a speedbump. There was a really rough stretch of time there where I felt a rage I didn't know I had. I hit the wall and hurt my thumb. I kicked a hole in the wall and almost broke my foot. My doctor put me on anti-depressants. I stopped taking them. I think I still need them. The marriage is still in limbo, but I do think we're making progress and being more real with each other than we've ever been, so that is good, I suppose. I'm finally getting my shit together as far as not being so messy. I'm getting organized and setting up systems and ridding my life of clutter. I would post pictures, but MY FUCKING HOUSE WAS BROKEN INTO last week and they took my laptop (with all my pictures...sob!). Ryann had three jars of money on the counter, one for giving, one for saving and one for spending and OF COURSE they took all of that. They also took our big screen tv and lots of other things. It took the police 40 minutes to get to my house, and he was less than helpful when he was here. I had come home early from work because our air conditioner was broke and I was going to meet the repair guy (of course the a/c was broke b/c obviously, God hates me) and our door was wide open and the frame was broken off of it. It was not a good day. Then, two days after the break-in, K had to leave to go to Las Vegas for work for a week and a half. So I'm jumpy. Ryann is sleeping in the bed with me and I don't know that we'll EVER get her back in her room after this. I feel so violated. I can't believe someone went through my things. I can't believe somebody has all of my pictures. I can't sleep, I need to deal with all of the insurance stuff, but I don't know all the technical details needed for it, I'm angry, I can't concentrate and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Or maybe go swimming...or sit in a hottub. That would work too! This past year has been really difficult. I wish I could just learn whatever lessons I am supposed to be learning. OMG...the post is boring and self pitying, but it did feel good to get it out there. Maybe I will actually try to post a little more frequently. The months I've been gone haven't been near as bad as they sound, but there were some really low points and I'm just feeling really lonely and sorry for myself at the moment, so humor me. Please.

Issues and new shoes!

I've been trying to write this post for a week. I keep starting or meaning to start, but I keep getting overwhelmed. Overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed. It's the story of my life, really. I get overwhelmed...and freeze! I do nothing. I feel ridiculously guilty for not doing what I know I should be doing, but I can't seem to make myself just.do.it! I stick my head in the sand and hope it goes away. My life is going to live itself without any effort from me. This post is going to miraculously write itself. Because I have a lot to say.

My grandmother is an immigrant from England, and she's a very interesting lady. She lives in San Antonio and has the coolest accent evah! She line dances and walks her dog over a mile every.single.day. She has a busier social life than I've had since...since...I don't even know when. She hasn't had an easy life. She and my grandfather divorced long before I was born, and I never met him. My father was the oldest of two boys and my uncle died in a plane crash when I was very young. She's strong and smart and I'm honored to know her, much less be related to her. She's the only grandparent of mine that is still alive and I don't see her near enough. Anyway, I think I mentioned in passing in another post that we're broke. We've been having some major financial issues. Last weekend, I received a check (or cheque, as she would write) from her for $5000. I was speechless, and that doesn't happen often. Her thinking is that she'd rather give me money now while she's still alive and I need it. I'm putting a big chunk of it into a savings account and saving it for future rainy days, but some of it is going to help with the rainy days I'm going through now. It's such a relief to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the coinsurance for my surgery, etc... I feel so blessed to have such an amazing family who is always ready and willing to lend a hand and I feel so undeserving of all they do for me. Also? I'm in awe of how things seem to work out. I guess that's why (though you might not be able to tell it from this blog and all the venting I do) I'm such an optimist. Anyway...I'm blessed!

So last week when I started to write a post, my marriage seemed to be in fairly good shape. Today, I don't know how the hell it seems. K had been sleeping back in our bedroom for awhile and we seemed to be getting along. He went out of town on business this weekend, and we got into an argument while he was gone and he slept in the guest room last night. I don't know what he's going to do when my mom is here and he can't sleep in the guest bedroom . We're cordial and talking today, but I don't know how things stand. I can't put too much mental energy into it at the moment, because I'm too busy obsessing over my upcoming knee surgery. Obsessing and planning, but mostly obsessing because planning? Not my strong suit people! Well, that's not exactly true...I'm pretty good at planning, it's following through that is a bitch for me.

Aaaannnnyyyyywwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyy, surgery is this Friday. My parents will be here Thursday night. My mom is staying about a week, but my dad is only staying a day or two and then going to see his very awesome mom. I'm not really nervous about the actual surgery. I feel very confident in my surgeon (only partially b/c I've seen him so much on tv while watching Texans games the past few weeks and I figure if he's good enough for their knees...by golly...he's good enough for mine). I'm more worried about the pain afterwards. Right now, I'm not hurting all the time and when I am hurting, it's more achy than sharp, unbearable type pain. But I expect it to hurt like hell afterwards. And hello? Do you watch Brothers and Sisters b/c Justin's knee is hurt, too and he's really in a whole lotta pain? But he's not taking pain pills (and I will be)...so that's encouraging. I'm also REALLY worried about the logistics afterwards. I'm not really worried about the first week, because my mom is going to be here. But after that? Especially if K and I are not on good terms? I'm not looking forward to that. I think I am going to get Ryann's hair put in cornrows, so it's one less thing to worry about and maybe I'll get a maid to come every other week or every week, so that K doesn't go completely insane and the house doesn't get even MORE junkie! I'm worried about when I'm going to be able to drive and how I'm going to be on crutches for so long when it hurt my hands so badly to be on them for a week or two.

I'm worried and if there are two things I know well and am good at...it's worry and guilt. I'm overflowing with both at the moment. Oh and I'm overwhelmed...because there's a lot to do before my surgery and my surgery is Friday and that's what? 3 1/2 days away? Ohmygosh...am panicking! I'll probably go make a list (or go watch the end of the Cowboys game? Oh or maybe watch the Bachelor b/c I'm dvring it right now and he's going to switch w/his twin and that sounds entertaining), even though what I REALLY need to do is finish cleaning the guest bedroom. Because I did start it (OVER.A.WEEK.AGO!) and there's really not TOO much left to do, but I just can't seem to finish. I also need to clean the fridge out and organize the pantry, because I don't want my mom to work too much and she will...because she rocks...but I want to make it as easy as possible on her and on K. It's a good thing I work well under pressure, but boy, do I feel like I'm cutting it close and am not going to have time to do everything I want/need to do. Because I also want to get my eyebrows waxed and buy new Crocs before surgery and it would be a huge bonus if I had time to go to the mall and get some MAC makeup b/c my asshole...I mean, really sweet dog, Trixie, ate my lipstick and lip pencil and I'm out of powder. Ohmygosh and a haircut would be divine, but I don't see it happening!

Clearly...I have issues! (But I also have three new pairs of really awesome, really comfortable shoes from Target and that makes me happy!) So take that, issues!!

Life goes on...

I've learned that even in those moments that I'm desperately trying to slam on the brakes, life (and time) doesn't stop for anybody. At this point, I'm just trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking. Okay...limping! Things aren't exactly getting back to normal, but they're getting back to something.

My relationship with K is incredibly bizarre at the moment. What he said to me the other day was said out of anger, and I understand that. While we are still sleeping in separate bedrooms, we have been visiting each other's bed the past couple of nights. It's such a strange thing. I love him so much, but neither of us are really sure that we should be together. We had a good talk last night, and I tried to explain to him that I understood his frustrations, but that I just couldn't deal with it right now. My head is barely above water, and it's not like I'm not thinking about where our marriage is headed, but I really just can. not. deal. with it right now. We've sort of fallen back into old habits. There have been many times that one or both of us really feels like it's time to let go of our relationship, and what usually happens is that we ended up clinging to each other more tightly than ever. I think that's where we're at right now. I guess therapy was a good thing, but it was ludicrous to think that three sessions were going to change this familiar circle we're in. I feel sad and unsure of what the future holds, but I do think everything will be okay, one way or another.

Okay, now for some fun stuff! My SIL took her boys and Ryann to get their pictures taken this weekend. Sort of a last minute thing, but I think they turned out really cute:

This is one taken sort of "in between" shots, but I love it:

My baby is growing up!!! =(


One of my girlfriends told me (after my Wednesday from hell) that God must have some really incredible things right around the corner for me, since I'm going through so much at the moment. It really helps me to believe that.

Somebody up there hates me...

Somebody down here hates me, too! That would be K. I know I posted before that he hated me, well, he hates me again. Shockingly enough, it's for the exact two reasons he hated me before.

1. I'm messy
2. Our dogs

I'm never going to be the neatest or most organized person in the world. It's just not going to happen. I have ADD, and that's not really an excuse, but it sure as hell doesn't help. I'm so much better than I used to be, but hurting my leg and then getting sick has thrown a whole new kink into the system. It's not like I was really taking care of everything that needed to be taken care of before, but sick and injured, I'm able to take care of even less, so laundry duties and cooking and cleaning the kitchen duties have fallen on K. I can tell he resents me for it. That's fine. He doesn't really ever give me credit for the things I DO do, and if he's obviously having to work so much harder and do so much more and the house looks pretty much exactly like it did before I was hurt, then obviously I WAS doing SOMETHING to begin with, right? I guess not!

Also, and I will admit that this is my fault...our dogs have really done a number on our house. I'm honestly doing the best I can with them and I am at my wit's end. I love Trixie, but I was a huge idiot for getting her. I think I may have to try to find another home for her, and that breaks my heart. Another thing? (Because you can never have TOO many things go wrong at once) We're broke! Seriously broke! I am panicking and I feel like I am drowning or suffocating.

Anyway...so K let me know last night that as soon as my leg is better after surgery that he is leaving. I told him that it wasn't necessary to wait until then. I'm so angry and scared that I don't know what to do. I'm still sick...I've thrown up pretty much everything I've eaten since Saturday and I'm weak and exhausted. I REALLY do not need this right now. Talk about kicking a girl while she's down! I slept on the couch last night. This should be fun.

I've fallen and I can't get up!

I picked my friend up from the airport Thursday night, and we stayed up until almost 4am giggling like schoolgirls. It was fantastic, and good for my soul. I was off Friday, so we spent the morning picking up her new car and chatting over coffee at Starbuck's. Our afternoon plan was to go check out some office space, as she is considering opening her own criminal law firm. We crossed the street to enter the office complex for her first appointment, and I tripped over the curb (which was broken and jagged). As I fell to the cement, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. I could see my lower leg hyperextended to an unnatural position and flop around like a wet noodle on the way down. We were on a very busy street and I landed half on the curb and half on the street. I was panicked and trying to drag myself out of the street so that I could avoid being run over. Dragging myself over was no easy task, since I couldn't move my leg. It was numb and tingly, and when I tried to move it, I could see my kneecap cave in. I had my friend call my husband to come and take me to the hospital.

While we waited for K to get there, the owner of the building (who my friend had the appointment with) drove out of the parking garage and yelled that we couldn't sit on the sidewalk in front of the building. I thought that it was fairly obvious that we weren't just having a leisurely rest, since my pants leg was pulled up to mid thigh and I was crying, but apparently not. My friend explained that I had fallen and couldn't move and was waiting on an ambulance or my husband. I don't remember what he said next, but whatever it was must've really pissed my friend off because she started yelling at him about how I'd fallen because his sidewalk was messed up. He started to drive off, and she yelled that she appreciated his concern, since he never once asked if I was okay. So he turned back around, and asked if he could call an ambulance. But even then, he never asked if I was okay.

So K finally came and picked me up, helped me into the car and drove me to the emergency room. After waiting for what seemed like forever, I was able to go in and have x-rays taken. I suspect that the x-ray technician enjoyed torturing me. Everyone else at the hospital was incredible and gentle. I tried to explain to her that I could. not. move. my. knee, but she pretty much told me to do it anyway. It hurt so bad that I was sobbing while I attempted to get onto the x-ray table and turn different ways so she could get a good look at my knee. I know it's necessary and it's her job, but my gosh, it hurt! The good news is that it's not broken and that I've been high as a kite from my pain meds since I left the hospital. The bad news is that I'm on crutches and in a knee immobolizer, and I have to go see an orthopedic surgeon because the chances are good that I've torn something and will have to have surgery to have it fixed.

The pain meds are keeping me asleep most of the time, but right now, they don't seem to be helping because I'm in a great deal of pain. I really need a bath, and I'm trying to figure out the logistics of making that happen. K usually does a great job of taking care of me when I am sick, but he was gone all morning yesterday and several hours this morning. His cousin is here and they went out to dinner with all of my inlaws last night, and they are at my mother-in-law's house right now. I know I'm being a big baby, but I feel completely helpless and abandoned. And? My knee hurts like a MF! But I'll live. Plus, I keep calling my mom, who is giving me lots of sympathy.

How's that workin' for ya?

I'm begging for forgiveness in advance. This post is not going to be entertaining at all, not to imply that any of the rest of them have been, because in fact, they have not. Still, I felt like I should give you a proper warning. Don't worry, I'll try to find time to dazzle you with my wit later this week. Ummm...yeah. Anyway, here's some pictures, because if you're willing to sit through this, it's the least I can do:



This weekend was my nephew's first birthday party, but he doesn't turn one until tomorrow. My SIL took him for his first haircut before the party and he looks so grown now. He still looks adorable, but I miss his curls! See how cute they are?





Here's Ryann at an Astros game that we went to last week. We had a really fantastic time, even though I made her help me man a fundraiser booth for the first three innings. She and I went by ourselves, which was fun.

So I just left our second session of therapy. I'm actually feeling much more hopeful today. The first session was draining, but fine. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to go into our specific issues here, and I'm thinking that I probably will, but I'm not ready yet. I will say that I feel as though we did make some small changes after last week's session, which is good. Still, I wasn't sure that I was willing to put in the effort to fight or make myself vulnerable to hurt and disappointment by trying to make it work. But today, I'm definitely feeling more positive. Our issues are deep and complicated and if I focus on them, I know I'll want to crawl in a hole and die. Okay not literally, but you know what I mean. There's alot of water under the bridge, and some of it really has to be dealth with. But today I'm feeling like I can just let some of it drift on by, and I can just sort of start fresh. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and all that. Or maybe I'm just in denial. There is a time and place for it, you know!

Margaret and Jenny: Thank you for your encouraging words. They really helped me get through a difficult week.

Slipping back to normal

This picture was taken after my company Christmas party the Christmas before last. We spent about an hour laughing and taking pictures of ourselves after the party. We don't have many pictures of the two of us together, but there are several from that night that I really like.

Anyway, Ryann's home! YAY!!! She was supposed to be gone one more week, but she was starting to get homesick and we were more than happy to go scoop her up this weekend. It's lovely to have her home. I swear she's grown an inch and a half in the three weeks she's been gone and she's now taller than my mother-in-law.

It's sort of a blessing and a curse to have her home. It's a blessing for obvious reasons, I missed her like mad and it's fun to have her around. But it's a curse because it distracts us from dealing with our issues. K was reading a book on the drive home from picking her up and gave an ironic little laugh at a sentence he just read. It talked about how easy it is to fall back into intimacy, into the touches and hugs and conversations that make up every day life without any decisions being made. This has been a problem for us. It's our pattern. None of these issues we have are new, they're issues we've been facing (avoiding) all along. We're stuck in this loop, and nothing scares me more than falling right back into the loop without dealing with these demons. It's so comfortable to fall right back into intimacy, but I think we're both acutely aware of that fork in the road I talked about last time.

We start counseling tomorrow. I'm nervous. I'm really happy that Ryann is home to distract me.

The Way We Were

So I've been neglecting my blogging duties lately. The truth is that I'm not quite sure what to say. K and I are contemplating divorce and starting couples counseling. There! I said it! I'm a little overwhelmed, and I wasn't sure how much of our struggles I wanted to share. I'm still not sure. Maybe I'll go into greater detail in the future, but for now I'll just say that we have major fucking issues. Issues I'm not sure we'll ever be able to overcome, but I do feel like we should try. After all, I love this man fiercely and he is my best friend. I think we owe it to each other and to Ryann to try. Ryann is gone for the month and I miss her desperately. Her absence has forced K and I to get real with each other and relate to each other and deal with our issues as husband and wife. In some ways I think it's good that we can try to take her out of the equation for the moment and focus on our relationship. But it's scary. At this point, I feel as though there is no turning back. Never in my life have I been so acutely aware that I am standing at a fork in the road. Either we go to counseling and make some fundamental changes in our relationship or we get a divorce. It's as simple as that. Only, it's not simple at all.

Obsess much?

Me: Baby, have you seen that SWAT show on A&E? It's fantastic! I just found it today, and I'm already totally addicted to it.

K: You're addicted to anything you do more than once!

Me: Nuh uh! I'm not addicted to cleaning.

K: I said something you do more than once.

Me: Jackass!

I don't think I've mentioned this because it's not something that I'm particularly proud of, but I have a highly addictive personality. Whenever I find something I'm interested in or something I like, I tend to dive in headfirst and get slightly obsessed with it. Case in point, I've been googling SWAT today and reading the episode descriptions and bios of the super hot SWAT guys. Also? I'm flighty, so my obsessions come and go. I think it's charming. He thinks it's really annoying. What can I say? The show is amazing. I spent much of Sunday afternoon watching a SWAT marathon, and now I MUST see them all. It's quite compelling, and I have a thing for criminology and law.

In unrelated news, my hair looks like shit today! Oh and? I'm in desperate need of a nap.

Happy Father's Day!

K is in Las Vegas for two weeks for business, so we haven't been able to celebrate Father's day yet. Ryann sent him a lovely powerpoint presentation instead of a card. It had several pages of famous athletes and the last page said, "Vince Young is great....but you're my MVP!" K is sort of nerdy (in that totally sexy way), so naturally, he loved it. Ryann is a tomboy, so this was right up her alley and she had a blast putting it together. She's in a day camp this month, and apparently she learned how to do powerpoint last week (which is sort of bizarre as the theme for last week was baseball, but whatever!) K is an awesome dad, and I know Ryann was very disappointed that he wasn't going to be here today to celebrate. So instead, she and I had a reeeeaaaalllllly lazy Sunday. We'll celebrate when he gets back.

Happy Anniversary!

Last Friday, K and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. We had a lovely time. We spent the night at Hotel*Icon in downtown Houston. It was incredible. They made reservations and drove us (in a really cool London cab) to Sambuca*Jazz*Cafe for a mouthwatering steak dinner at a table right in front of the band. When we returned to the hotel, they gave us a complimentary "bath butler" since it was our anniversary. They came in and prepared the bathtub with Molton Brown bath products for a bubble bath. It was divine. K and I enjoyed a bottle of 2002 Inniskillin Ice Wine, which was fabulous! The next morning, we woke up and walked around downtown Houston and took pictures. Then, we met our daughter and my SIL and her family for brunch at The*Breakfast*Klub. It's the only restaurant I know where people stand in line for an hour to place their order. But it is delicious and the owner is ALWAYS there providing topnotch customer service. The entire stay was so romantic and just what the doctor ordered for us. Pictures to follow...

Rut Roh!

My husband hates me! Would you like to know how I know? Because he just called and told me. And by told, I mean screamed obscenities at me. In addition to Trixie's many charms and talents, she's a very capable escape artist. After working incredibly long hours this week, K has the morning off. Apparently, Trixie flew the coupe this morning and K injured his foot while giving chase. Oops! I feel terrible, really terrible. There are two things K really hates about me:

1. I make bad, impulsive, selfish decisions at times (i.e. to get a dog, much less two dogs).


2. I'm messy! Seriously messy! (Disclaimer: I'm getting so much better than I once was).

My parents are going to be here today. I'm thrilled! They live about seven hours away and I don't get to see them enough. K is supposed to entertain them until I get off around lunch time, when we'll all go watch our daughter's school dance extravaganza. I feel especially bad that K hurt himself and hates me today since he's worked such long hours this week and is being such a trooper hanging out with my family this morning. He loves my parents, so it's not like it's a huge sacrifice, but still. My parents are amazing. Did I mention how excited I am to see them?

So does anyone want a wire hair fox terrier? I kid! (I think!)

Edited at 11:10am to add: Yay! I'm forgiven! Nothing like having him spend a little time with the parents to remember everything he loves about me!