Monday, October 08, 2007

Issues and new shoes!

I've been trying to write this post for a week. I keep starting or meaning to start, but I keep getting overwhelmed. Overwhelmed overwhelmed overwhelmed. It's the story of my life, really. I get overwhelmed...and freeze! I do nothing. I feel ridiculously guilty for not doing what I know I should be doing, but I can't seem to make myself! I stick my head in the sand and hope it goes away. My life is going to live itself without any effort from me. This post is going to miraculously write itself. Because I have a lot to say.

My grandmother is an immigrant from England, and she's a very interesting lady. She lives in San Antonio and has the coolest accent evah! She line dances and walks her dog over a mile She has a busier social life than I've had since...since...I don't even know when. She hasn't had an easy life. She and my grandfather divorced long before I was born, and I never met him. My father was the oldest of two boys and my uncle died in a plane crash when I was very young. She's strong and smart and I'm honored to know her, much less be related to her. She's the only grandparent of mine that is still alive and I don't see her near enough. Anyway, I think I mentioned in passing in another post that we're broke. We've been having some major financial issues. Last weekend, I received a check (or cheque, as she would write) from her for $5000. I was speechless, and that doesn't happen often. Her thinking is that she'd rather give me money now while she's still alive and I need it. I'm putting a big chunk of it into a savings account and saving it for future rainy days, but some of it is going to help with the rainy days I'm going through now. It's such a relief to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the coinsurance for my surgery, etc... I feel so blessed to have such an amazing family who is always ready and willing to lend a hand and I feel so undeserving of all they do for me. Also? I'm in awe of how things seem to work out. I guess that's why (though you might not be able to tell it from this blog and all the venting I do) I'm such an optimist. Anyway...I'm blessed!

So last week when I started to write a post, my marriage seemed to be in fairly good shape. Today, I don't know how the hell it seems. K had been sleeping back in our bedroom for awhile and we seemed to be getting along. He went out of town on business this weekend, and we got into an argument while he was gone and he slept in the guest room last night. I don't know what he's going to do when my mom is here and he can't sleep in the guest bedroom . We're cordial and talking today, but I don't know how things stand. I can't put too much mental energy into it at the moment, because I'm too busy obsessing over my upcoming knee surgery. Obsessing and planning, but mostly obsessing because planning? Not my strong suit people! Well, that's not exactly true...I'm pretty good at planning, it's following through that is a bitch for me.

Aaaannnnyyyyywwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyy, surgery is this Friday. My parents will be here Thursday night. My mom is staying about a week, but my dad is only staying a day or two and then going to see his very awesome mom. I'm not really nervous about the actual surgery. I feel very confident in my surgeon (only partially b/c I've seen him so much on tv while watching Texans games the past few weeks and I figure if he's good enough for their golly...he's good enough for mine). I'm more worried about the pain afterwards. Right now, I'm not hurting all the time and when I am hurting, it's more achy than sharp, unbearable type pain. But I expect it to hurt like hell afterwards. And hello? Do you watch Brothers and Sisters b/c Justin's knee is hurt, too and he's really in a whole lotta pain? But he's not taking pain pills (and I will be) that's encouraging. I'm also REALLY worried about the logistics afterwards. I'm not really worried about the first week, because my mom is going to be here. But after that? Especially if K and I are not on good terms? I'm not looking forward to that. I think I am going to get Ryann's hair put in cornrows, so it's one less thing to worry about and maybe I'll get a maid to come every other week or every week, so that K doesn't go completely insane and the house doesn't get even MORE junkie! I'm worried about when I'm going to be able to drive and how I'm going to be on crutches for so long when it hurt my hands so badly to be on them for a week or two.

I'm worried and if there are two things I know well and am good's worry and guilt. I'm overflowing with both at the moment. Oh and I'm overwhelmed...because there's a lot to do before my surgery and my surgery is Friday and that's what? 3 1/2 days away? panicking! I'll probably go make a list (or go watch the end of the Cowboys game? Oh or maybe watch the Bachelor b/c I'm dvring it right now and he's going to switch w/his twin and that sounds entertaining), even though what I REALLY need to do is finish cleaning the guest bedroom. Because I did start it (OVER.A.WEEK.AGO!) and there's really not TOO much left to do, but I just can't seem to finish. I also need to clean the fridge out and organize the pantry, because I don't want my mom to work too much and she will...because she rocks...but I want to make it as easy as possible on her and on K. It's a good thing I work well under pressure, but boy, do I feel like I'm cutting it close and am not going to have time to do everything I want/need to do. Because I also want to get my eyebrows waxed and buy new Crocs before surgery and it would be a huge bonus if I had time to go to the mall and get some MAC makeup b/c my asshole...I mean, really sweet dog, Trixie, ate my lipstick and lip pencil and I'm out of powder. Ohmygosh and a haircut would be divine, but I don't see it happening!

Clearly...I have issues! (But I also have three new pairs of really awesome, really comfortable shoes from Target and that makes me happy!) So take that, issues!!


Biddy said...

ok, so here's the deal. your knee is gonna hurt like a sonofabitch. sorry, it just is. but not at first, cause they're going to (most likely) leave an i.v. in your knee with a morphine pump for the first few days. if you're lucky the doc's office will take it out, if not, they will instruct your mom or K on how to take it out. i suggest you don't watch. next, get a wheelchair. i know, they are a major pain in the ass, but trust me on this one - get a wheelchair! use it to get as far as you can (like, the bathroom door but it won't fit thru) then use the crutches. also, take some time (i know, there's not much of it) to strengthen your good leg, cause you're gonna do a LOT of hopping. it's inevitable. at night, before you go to sleep, set your alarm for whatever time you can take another pain pill. it sucks waking up at 3 a.m. to take a pill, but it's much better than waking up at 8 and dying. hmm let's see...oh! buy 2 of those cold compress things you put in the freezer. that way you can switch them out and not have to wait for it to re-freeze. oh, and are they going to do the knee bending machine? probably... just know, you're going to have a love hate relationship with it. you will hate it at first, but learn to love it. it really really helps keep your knee mobile. just make sure you get up and stretch every few hours cause your hips will get out of whack and then your back will hurt.

now, as for k, i know you will, but don't forget to sincerely thank him anytime he does something, and don't be afraid to ask him for something! if you get the mentality of "oh i don't want to bug him again" you're going to start doing too much and then you're gonna hurt even more...

and never underestimate how much Ryann is going to end up helping her momma...

one more thing, then i promise i will end my novel, call your doc today and ask him about toenail polish. you may want to go in without any on so they can make sure you still have proper circulation. you might as well take it off before you go in, or they will just take it off of your big toe, and then you'll just be annoyed everytime you look at your feet.

Jessica said...

Biddy-Thanks for all the great advice! They are giving me a knee bendy thing (a cpm machine, I think it's called), which surprised me since I thought I had to keep my knee locked at all times, but I guess not, I do have two of the cold compress things from when I originally hurt the knee, so that's good. Also, my brother had this machine called a cryocuff that you wrap around your knee that provides compression and pumps ice water to keep it cool and he is loaning his to me, since my insurance doesn't cover it. Surgery is Friday and I go back to the dr on Tuesday, so hopefully if I have that pump thing, they'll take it out then. Thanks again for the really helps! How the heck do you know so much about knee surgery? ;) Hope your back feels better!

Margaret said...

I will be back to read this, I promise. But I tagged you. I know you are a smidge busy....but I did. Hate me???

Margaret said...

I've been thinking about you! If you need anything from a near total stranger ( one Mama Drama lunch and emails and posts and comments) - seriously let me know. Even if it's a phone call to cry or giggle from pain pills. I'm here!

Jenny said...

Poor, poor Jessica.

I wish I could just make it all better.

Why is it always so damn hard?

But in brighter news...pain killers! Oh, I love pain killers!

Jessica said...

Thank you guys!

Margaret-I don't hate you, but I don't know when I'll get the post up. Hopefully soon, but it's a madhouse over here, today!

Jenny-I love pain killers, too! I plan to stay high for at least a week. (And that hasn't happened since I was at ASU!) ;) Speaking of...I've been running into people who went to ASU EVERYWHERE lately!

Margaret said...

thinking about ya tomorrow! don't be stingy with the pain killers. At all.... get extra ifyou can.


Jenny said...

Just checking in on you.

Everything go okay?

Jessica said...

Thanks for checking...I am h u r t i n g, but apparently the surgery went well! So I've got that going for me! ;)