Monday, August 07, 2006

When the shoe is on the other foot...

So my coworker had her baby yesterday. I almost went to the hospital tonight to see her, but I decided against it for a couple of reasons. For one thing, I spent so much time at the same hospital last week w/my SIL and her new baby that the staff might suspect me of trying to steal a baby were I to be there AGAIN this week. Another reason is that I'm a little resentful of this pregnancy. Let me tell you why. Because I'm horrible and judgemental and that's why. Here's the backstory. My coworker was married with two little girls. Her husband was a really great guy. In addition to working full time, my coworker was in school getting a Master's degree. She meets a guy in school, decides to leave her husband and kids and moves into an apartment with the guy. She's basically supporting this guy, he doesn't have a car or a job. She's barely spending any time with the two kids that she does have. So she and new guy decide to try to have a baby. Mind you this is a month or two after leaving her husband, she hadn't even filed for divorce yet. So the first month, nothing. But the second month...BAM...knocked up! Now she's someone I consider a friend...she knew that during this whole time period I had been trying to get pregnant. I had also given her my wise as an owl assvice about maybe she should wait a bit to make any huge decisions. Something along the lines of, if you want to leave your husband, fine, but be on your own for five minutes before moving in with someone else. So anyway, fast forward to a month or two ago and she tells me that she left the new guy, and was apartment hunting. I find out today that she had the baby last night, she's doing great, registered anonymously so new guy couldn't find her and we're having a little get together for her next week at her apartment. Maybe it's stupid and petty, and I'm a real jerk, but it's a tough pill to swallow. Oh and another reason I didn't go is b/c I have the whole house to myself and I really felt like staying home and being lazy.

Here's the thing...once upon a time...I was "that girl!" Well not THAT girl, but someone that I certainly might resent at this point in my life. I was 21 and had been dating this loser for over a year. Long story short, I got pregnant and we broke up the second I told him I was pregnant. He demanded I have an abortion and I wouldn't. REALLY long story short, and maybe one day I'll tell the long story b/c it's so crucial to who I am now, I end up in a maternity home. It really changed my life. I got myself together, moved into an apartment after my daughter was born. I worked part time and went back to college full-time and met K when my daughter was two and now we are living happily ever after. I often forget that my daughter is not biologically my husband's, and I refer to the loser as the sperm donor. Daughter has never met loser (by his choice then), and it's turned out for the best. She's a total daddy's girl and K is such an amazing dad. She was the first grandchild in both of our families and she is super spoiled. When I was in labor with my daughter, I spent the night at the hospital by myself. I told my parents not to come until the morning because it was late and the doctor felt like nothing would happen until the next day anyway. My houseparents from the maternity home, which I affectionately dubbed "The Orphanage" went home to sleep. I remember feeling really sorry for myself and thinking of how this is definitely not how it's supposed to be...all alone in a hospital with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company. All in all, I was in labor for 26 hours. The hours I spent alone that night were the loneliest of my life.

Well that's not even close to being the full story, but you get the gist of it anyway. My point is...I wonder who came across my path and knew my story back that were hurt and resentful by my situation.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Welcome to the world little guy!

My nephew was born Tuesday. To be perfectly honest, I was nervous that my envy would be so overwhelming and transparent that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'm proud to say that this wasn't the case at all. I don't know if it's because he's so freaking adorable or because he reminds me of possibilities and what is the light at the end of the tunnel of all of this infertility bullshit. For some reason, that normal jealousy that tends to creep up and smack me on the head was nowhere to be found. What a relief! I've been spending lots of time at the hospital with them and can't wait for the weekend so I can go smother him with more love and kisses.

Had a lovely trip to my parents house. We took along my other nephew, who loved life in the country. We went to a small town festival, swam and went to a drive-in movie. Reminds me of why I loved growing up in such a small town. Oh and would you believe that my SIL's L&D nurse just bought a house in my hometown? Such a small world, as it's about 7 hours from Houston and home to around 1000 people. It was so nice to spend time with my parents. They may very well be the coolest people in the world. My daughter is having a grand ole time with them and not missing me a bit. I, however, am missing she and K madly. Although it is nice to get take out and veg out a bit. I went to the library today and got something like seven books, five of which are related to IF. Cause nothin' says fun and relaxation like IF literature!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Are you sure it's not a Monday?

So you know how you twist a wet towel to wring it out? Well, that's my stomach on Glucophage! Horrible cramps seem to be my only side effects, so that's encouraging.

Today was an emotional rollercoaster. This morning I found out that my company is switching insurance carriers effective at the end of next month. So immediately I go research to check out the fertility benefits. First, I'm thrilled because I saw something online that said that they covered IVF. I was cautiously optimistic. Okay, I lied...I was elated. I called K and we talked about how it was meant to be. Unfortunately, I was looking at the wrong state. Damn google and my impatient ass for hopping to conclusions. Turns out, they don't cover anything! Nada! As a matter of fact, when I called the new insurance carrier I was told that not only do they cover anything related to infertility, they also don't carry pregnancy. Come to think of it, she was pretty rude too! What is it with these people who work for insurance companies? I just don't get people being rude to me too often, as I'm a fairly friendly gal. It's actually a pet peeve of mine.

Anyway, back to the rollercoaster. So I get that nifty form letter from I can't remember where and essentially beg for mercy (and the purchase of an infertility rider) to my company's executive team. I got a prompt response that they had not planned on getting the fertility rider, but that he would check into the expense, discuss it with the executive team and get back with me with a decision. What more could I ask for? I actually got into a bit of trouble about it when I told my direct manager I had sent the email. She said I should've waited until they gave us the presentation about our insurance choices next week, and asked any questions about it at that point. The problem is, wouldn't it be too late by then? I don't regret it a bit, but I apologized to my manager anyway. I figure it's worth a try, no matter how much of a long shot it may be.

I'm wondering if I should go work for my husband's company. They pay for his insurance, but to add me it's $65-$75 a WEEK! It would be well worth it since they cover unlimited IVF's, so I guess we'll wait and see what happens. Seriously? More waiting? I'm just so bad at that!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Waiting sucks!

I'm ashamed of myself. I'm such a bad blogger. My blog is so new and already I'm neglecting it. This might give me some insight into why we've had three dead hermit crabs in the past three months. In my defense, there hasn't been a whole heckuvalot to tell. I did start my glucophage tonight, so I'm excited about that. It feels like a step in the right direction. Although, it will be bizarre to have a period every month, rather than three times a year. Right now I'm waiting for November to get on K's (how's that for a super cool blog name for hubs?) insurance so we can get rolling on IVF. That gives me three whole months to research and prepare.

I go back to my RE in two weeks and I plan on begging him to let us try IUI while I wait. I don't think he's gonna go for it, but I figure it's worth a shot. I just feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING! K doesn't understand why I feel it necessary to have everything planned out as far as our "treatment" goes. I'm not sure I do either, but I suspect it has something to do with feeling in control of a situation that is so out of control.

In other news, we're going to see my parents this weekend. V. excited about that. Am leaving daughter (Ryann) with them for two weeks. She'll love it. K will be out of town for work for most of that time too, so I will be all alone. Well not entirely, I'll have my shar pei, Yoda and the most resilient hermit crab ever, Coco (short for Chris Brown Orange-do not scoff-I did not name him!), here to keep me company. I suspect the blog will be updated a bit more frequently in their absence. My SIL still hasn't had her baby. She and one of my MANY pregnant coworkers saw each other at the dr's office today. It's hard to understand, much less articulate how I feel about friends/family who are pregnant. Even though it breaks my heart a little, I can still be happy for them. I feel guilty. Guilty b/c I'm jealous. Guilty b/c I already have a daughter. Just guilty in general.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Customer Service...ever hear of it?

I hate rude people. I had the misfortune of coming across one such person today. I'm going to call her Miss Too Bad So Sad. So I call the fertility desk at my insurance company to confirm that the information I was given yesterday (that they do in fact cover IVF) was true and to request that in writing for my doctor's office. Well they don't. Okay I husband's does, and I guess I'll just have to work on that little patience issue while I wait for open enrollment. I was upset, but not devastated by the news. It did bother me that I was given the wrong information, but whatever...what's six months when you've been waiting four years? (Six months is too damn long is what it is, but I digress and that question was supposed to rhetorical!) So I'm wrapping up my lovely chat with Miss TBSS (in which I remained calm and polite and she remained an asshole) and I say, "Okay, well thank you." And. She. Hung. Up. Seriously?

P.S. Why am I such a parenthesis whore today?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Well hello there!

Welcome to my blog! I thought it apropos to begin today, after my first visit to an RE. I suppose I've been in denial long enough. Who me? Infertile? Well I can't deny it any longer, it's official, so I might as well try to deal with it constructively. I've been lurking around the blogosphere for the past month or two and have looked on with envy and admiration. So I'm bringing my toys, and I'd like to play too, if you don't mind.

Let me introduce myself. I'm Jessica. I'm from a tiny town in Texas, no really tiny, 1200 people tiny, but now I live in Houston. I feel like a bit of an imposter here, as I do have an 8 year old daughter...lovely and brilliant daughter at that. Hubs and I (note to self: find cool blog name for hubs) have been married for four years and haven't used any birth control. See how well that's working out for us? Yeah, not so much! Oh but my sister in law has gotten pregnant twice since we've been trying. As a matter of fact, my newest nephew should be born any day now. Actually, it seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Feel free to rub my head for luck and let me know how it works out for you!

As I said, I went to the RE today. I do feel good that we at least have a plan. Namely, IVF. But first, I must start the glucophage for my PCOS and wait a couple of months to get all regular. I've been on clomid off and on for the past year (now THAT'S been fun!), but my RE wants to skip all of those other fun options I had prepared myself for and go straight to the REALLY fun stuff since we suffer from male and female infertility.

As a side note, I had a mini breakdown of sorts when the financial lady at my clinic said that my insurance doesn't cover IVF. My husband's covers 100% and no limit on cycles, but unfortunately I'm not on his insurance. He could add me, but we'd have to wait for open enrollment. Now you don't know me just yet, but I'm not a fan of patience, even if it is a virtue. So I call my insurance company, who tells me that they DO cover IVF, but to call the infertility desk tomorrow as they've had a bad storm and are out of commission for today. So I'll definitely be letting you know how that goes.

So I'm very much looking forward to getting to know you and to shooting the shit...err...sharing this journey with you!