Tuesday, July 31, 2007

How's that workin' for ya?

I'm begging for forgiveness in advance. This post is not going to be entertaining at all, not to imply that any of the rest of them have been, because in fact, they have not. Still, I felt like I should give you a proper warning. Don't worry, I'll try to find time to dazzle you with my wit later this week. Ummm...yeah. Anyway, here's some pictures, because if you're willing to sit through this, it's the least I can do:

This weekend was my nephew's first birthday party, but he doesn't turn one until tomorrow. My SIL took him for his first haircut before the party and he looks so grown now. He still looks adorable, but I miss his curls! See how cute they are?

Here's Ryann at an Astros game that we went to last week. We had a really fantastic time, even though I made her help me man a fundraiser booth for the first three innings. She and I went by ourselves, which was fun.

So I just left our second session of therapy. I'm actually feeling much more hopeful today. The first session was draining, but fine. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to go into our specific issues here, and I'm thinking that I probably will, but I'm not ready yet. I will say that I feel as though we did make some small changes after last week's session, which is good. Still, I wasn't sure that I was willing to put in the effort to fight or make myself vulnerable to hurt and disappointment by trying to make it work. But today, I'm definitely feeling more positive. Our issues are deep and complicated and if I focus on them, I know I'll want to crawl in a hole and die. Okay not literally, but you know what I mean. There's alot of water under the bridge, and some of it really has to be dealth with. But today I'm feeling like I can just let some of it drift on by, and I can just sort of start fresh. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and all that. Or maybe I'm just in denial. There is a time and place for it, you know!

Margaret and Jenny: Thank you for your encouraging words. They really helped me get through a difficult week.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Slipping back to normal

This picture was taken after my company Christmas party the Christmas before last. We spent about an hour laughing and taking pictures of ourselves after the party. We don't have many pictures of the two of us together, but there are several from that night that I really like.

Anyway, Ryann's home! YAY!!! She was supposed to be gone one more week, but she was starting to get homesick and we were more than happy to go scoop her up this weekend. It's lovely to have her home. I swear she's grown an inch and a half in the three weeks she's been gone and she's now taller than my mother-in-law.

It's sort of a blessing and a curse to have her home. It's a blessing for obvious reasons, I missed her like mad and it's fun to have her around. But it's a curse because it distracts us from dealing with our issues. K was reading a book on the drive home from picking her up and gave an ironic little laugh at a sentence he just read. It talked about how easy it is to fall back into intimacy, into the touches and hugs and conversations that make up every day life without any decisions being made. This has been a problem for us. It's our pattern. None of these issues we have are new, they're issues we've been facing (avoiding) all along. We're stuck in this loop, and nothing scares me more than falling right back into the loop without dealing with these demons. It's so comfortable to fall right back into intimacy, but I think we're both acutely aware of that fork in the road I talked about last time.

We start counseling tomorrow. I'm nervous. I'm really happy that Ryann is home to distract me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Way We Were

So I've been neglecting my blogging duties lately. The truth is that I'm not quite sure what to say. K and I are contemplating divorce and starting couples counseling. There! I said it! I'm a little overwhelmed, and I wasn't sure how much of our struggles I wanted to share. I'm still not sure. Maybe I'll go into greater detail in the future, but for now I'll just say that we have major fucking issues. Issues I'm not sure we'll ever be able to overcome, but I do feel like we should try. After all, I love this man fiercely and he is my best friend. I think we owe it to each other and to Ryann to try. Ryann is gone for the month and I miss her desperately. Her absence has forced K and I to get real with each other and relate to each other and deal with our issues as husband and wife. In some ways I think it's good that we can try to take her out of the equation for the moment and focus on our relationship. But it's scary. At this point, I feel as though there is no turning back. Never in my life have I been so acutely aware that I am standing at a fork in the road. Either we go to counseling and make some fundamental changes in our relationship or we get a divorce. It's as simple as that. Only, it's not simple at all.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Talk to my lawyer!

So Ryann is gone for the month. We took her to my brother's house this weekend, and spent a lovely weekend lounging poolside and visiting with them and admiring my adorable nephews. My arms and chest are pink and scaly proof, thank you very much. My girl, she is adapting well to the high life. She's being taxied around in an Escalade and partying EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. as she told me as we chatted on the phone Wednesday while she was between social engagements. Monday was Gattitown, Tuesday was Chuck E Cheese and Wednesday they hosted a 4th of July party where they were going to do really fun things, like arts and crafts, and all of the neighborhood kids were invited. My parents are going to pick her up this weekend along with my nephew and my cousin and take them to the beach, where I'm quite sure a good time will be had by all. My nephew is quite the little lawyer. He is a master negotiater, that child. It's fascinating to watch him negotiate how many bites of food he has to eat for each meal. When my parents asked if he'd like to come along on the beach trip, he told them he had to give it some thought. After thinking it over, he told his mother that he needed to ask Opa some questions. He called my father and very solemnly asked some very critical things, like...Will there be a playstation? Apparently, he was satisfied with the reponses, and has decided to join them. Hooray! I'm quite jealous! Not only was I in bed on the 4th of July with a nasty stomach virus, but I have to miss out on this adventure that my brave brave parents are about to embark upon. Oh well, while they are partying like rockstars, I'm going to be enjoying my closet addiction of Big Brother guilt free! What a treat!

P.S. If you haven't gone to see Transformers yet, do so immediately. No really, I'll go with you if you want! I could see it again and again. I like it THAT much, and I reaaaaaaaaally wasn't expecting to.