Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Violated

Wow...so yeah, it's uh...been awhile. Which is strange, because if ever there was a time in my life where there was a plethora of blogging material, it has been these last months. So let's catch you up, where were we last? Ah yes...knee surgery. So after the knee surgery, I was on crutches for too freaking long and going to physical therapy and just pretty pathetic, actually. Then, in December, I had ear surgery. After surgery, my ear got infected and I got really sick. That sucked. So then at the end of March, my marriage hits a speed bump. Well, not a speed bump as much as an iceberg or a mountain or something way bigger than a speedbump. There was a really rough stretch of time there where I felt a rage I didn't know I had. I hit the wall and hurt my thumb. I kicked a hole in the wall and almost broke my foot. My doctor put me on anti-depressants. I stopped taking them. I think I still need them. The marriage is still in limbo, but I do think we're making progress and being more real with each other than we've ever been, so that is good, I suppose. I'm finally getting my shit together as far as not being so messy. I'm getting organized and setting up systems and ridding my life of clutter. I would post pictures, but MY FUCKING HOUSE WAS BROKEN INTO last week and they took my laptop (with all my pictures...sob!). Ryann had three jars of money on the counter, one for giving, one for saving and one for spending and OF COURSE they took all of that. They also took our big screen tv and lots of other things. It took the police 40 minutes to get to my house, and he was less than helpful when he was here. I had come home early from work because our air conditioner was broke and I was going to meet the repair guy (of course the a/c was broke b/c obviously, God hates me) and our door was wide open and the frame was broken off of it. It was not a good day. Then, two days after the break-in, K had to leave to go to Las Vegas for work for a week and a half. So I'm jumpy. Ryann is sleeping in the bed with me and I don't know that we'll EVER get her back in her room after this. I feel so violated. I can't believe someone went through my things. I can't believe somebody has all of my pictures. I can't sleep, I need to deal with all of the insurance stuff, but I don't know all the technical details needed for it, I'm angry, I can't concentrate and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Or maybe go swimming...or sit in a hottub. That would work too! This past year has been really difficult. I wish I could just learn whatever lessons I am supposed to be learning. OMG...the post is boring and self pitying, but it did feel good to get it out there. Maybe I will actually try to post a little more frequently. The months I've been gone haven't been near as bad as they sound, but there were some really low points and I'm just feeling really lonely and sorry for myself at the moment, so humor me. Please.

4 comments:

Margaret said...

HOLY CRAP - HUGE hugs to you, my friend.

One thing - if you think you still need anti depressants, you probably do.

It sucks big that you are going through all this.

And by the way, not that I am hugely religious - I'm not, but I don't think God hates you....I think He's just really testing the hell out of you right now.

Jessica said...

Thanks Margaret! Of course you are right, don't mind my pity party. I was always so good at tests in school, but apparently, IRL, not so much. I wish I could just ace it so I could move on. Anyway, YOU certainly have a lot of exciting things going on with you. I am truly truly so happy for you!

Biddy said...

oh honey!! i know how violated you feel! my apartment was broken into a few years ago and the cop they sent was so STUPID! amongst other stuff, they took my BRAND NEW computer that I had JUST finished transfering my files to....

ugh it is a terrible feeling, but i will tell you, getting an alarm system seriously helps calm your nerves!

Jessica said...

Thanks biddy! We actually have an alarm system, but it wasn't working. It is now fixed and they are supposed to be sending me signs and stickers (b/c they were out of them when we had it installed last year). It does help my nerves big time, but I am still pretty jumpy (and so pissed off about losing my laptop and all my pictures!!!)