Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Way We Were

So I've been neglecting my blogging duties lately. The truth is that I'm not quite sure what to say. K and I are contemplating divorce and starting couples counseling. There! I said it! I'm a little overwhelmed, and I wasn't sure how much of our struggles I wanted to share. I'm still not sure. Maybe I'll go into greater detail in the future, but for now I'll just say that we have major fucking issues. Issues I'm not sure we'll ever be able to overcome, but I do feel like we should try. After all, I love this man fiercely and he is my best friend. I think we owe it to each other and to Ryann to try. Ryann is gone for the month and I miss her desperately. Her absence has forced K and I to get real with each other and relate to each other and deal with our issues as husband and wife. In some ways I think it's good that we can try to take her out of the equation for the moment and focus on our relationship. But it's scary. At this point, I feel as though there is no turning back. Never in my life have I been so acutely aware that I am standing at a fork in the road. Either we go to counseling and make some fundamental changes in our relationship or we get a divorce. It's as simple as that. Only, it's not simple at all.

5 comments:

Margaret said...

Awwwww Jess. I am so sorry. I wish you the strength to overcome this. The fact that you say that you love him and he is your best friend says so much. When I got divorced (and throughout most of my marriage, honestly) I would have said neither. So my opinion is to keep fighting for it. It may take you a counselor or two to find one you click with. And don't be afraid to find one for yourself if you need it. Sometimes it helps just to vent solo if you need it. I'm here to listen if you need it! Your bloggie-buddies are here!!

Jessica said...

Thank you Margaret! I really appreciate it. I am definitely thinking of finding my own counselor. Or maybe I'll just vent on my blog? ;) We shall see!

Margaret said...

I went thru 3 on my own (while trying to save my marriage and then trying to get the courage to leave). Then I "thought" i was OK. I went thru 2 more before I found the right one again. Saw him for a year.

Not sure if you've done this before or not, but sometimes it takes a while to find "the right one". We are here to listen!!!

Biddy said...

*BIG HUG* Oh hunny...i'll be praying for y'all. while i've never been married, i was with a guy for 7 years. it's tough. you fight. you wonder what the hell you ever saw in them. you wonder what the hell makes you think life would be better without them. you wonder why you want to kill him and kiss him all at the same time...

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. but you have to try to make it work, and work HARD at it, before you call it quits. or else you'll be like me and spend the next 4 years wondering "what if"

Jessica said...

Thanks Biddy! That's exactly what I'm afraid of. I feel like I owe it to him and to our daughter to fight.